backgroundbob
Senior Writer
A befitting emblem of adversity
Posts: 188
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Jokes
Jun 1, 2006 19:32:55 GMT -5
Post by backgroundbob on Jun 1, 2006 19:32:55 GMT -5
And the second is even worse confusing :$ sorry. I just finished two years of philosophy course - as you can tell, we didn't spend all our time debating the finer points of the universe there are so many more where those two came from. For now, however: An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are flying over the British Isles in a hot air balloon. They decide that they'll do something to honour their countries, and hopefully bring them good fortune, so they take their national flowers with them; as they're flying over England, the Englishman throws his rose over the side for good luck, and as they're flying over Scotland the Scotsman throws his thistle over for good luck. As they circle over Ireland, the Irishman realises he's lost his clover somewhere; not wanting to be left out, he roots around in his pocket and (as every good Irishman should) pulls out the pipe bomb he keeps in case of emergancies. 'Close enough', he thinks, and tosses it over. Satisfied with their offerings, the three men head back. When the Englishman gets home, however, he finds his father sobbing in the front yard. "What's wrong, dad?" he asks, concerned. "Oh, son," his father replies. "Earlier today, a rose fell straight from the sky at a terrible speed, and hit your mother right in the eye, and she's died." Likewise, when the Scotsman gets home, he finds his father crying his heart out in the doorway. "What's wrong, dad?" he asks, and his father tells him how a thistle fell out of the sky and hit his mother in the eye, killing her instantly. After a long ferry-journey, the Irishman gets home exhausted, right at the end of the day, and finds his father splitting his sides with laughter in the front garden. "For Pete's sake, Pa, what are you making such a noise about?" he asks irritably, and waits for his father to compose himself. "Oh, son," his father says, barely able to contain his laughter. "I was leaning over the fence talking to the neighbours this morning, and you'll never believe it: I let out the most amazing fart I've ever done in my life, and the house next door blew up."
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sabradan
Senior Writer
The Godfather.
Posts: 179
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Jokes
Jun 2, 2006 3:04:40 GMT -5
Post by sabradan on Jun 2, 2006 3:04:40 GMT -5
THAT ONE is great Bob.
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eleanorrigby
Junior Writer
the times they are a-changin'
Posts: 19
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Jokes
Jun 3, 2006 16:26:20 GMT -5
Post by eleanorrigby on Jun 3, 2006 16:26:20 GMT -5
My friend just told me this one:
How do you get an English major off your porch? You pay him for the pizza.
Haha. Guess I'm destined to become a pizza delivery girl. LOL.
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backgroundbob
Senior Writer
A befitting emblem of adversity
Posts: 188
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Jokes
Jun 3, 2006 18:11:04 GMT -5
Post by backgroundbob on Jun 3, 2006 18:11:04 GMT -5
Same here I've heard that one a few times, of course, about Art, English, Philosophy, Psychology, Music... you name it. and this rather amusing take ...
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Jokes
Jun 3, 2006 22:25:00 GMT -5
Post by xanthangum on Jun 3, 2006 22:25:00 GMT -5
wow, bob. i actually laughed at that one. and it's hard to get me laughing these days. =]
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Rulke
Senior Writer
Loyal and will always ♥ Elizabeth and will always remain faithful to her.
Posts: 125
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Jokes
Jun 4, 2006 4:15:15 GMT -5
Post by Rulke on Jun 4, 2006 4:15:15 GMT -5
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
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A middle age woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operation table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43years, 2 months and 8 days to live.
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone to come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She got out of the hospital, after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
************************************************************************
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!?'"
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Elizabeth
Senior Writer
DANCE MONKEY!!!
Posts: 176
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Jokes
Jun 4, 2006 6:26:21 GMT -5
Post by Elizabeth on Jun 4, 2006 6:26:21 GMT -5
XD those are cute ones Vernon, and Bob I love that joke! Only I read a different version.
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sabradan
Senior Writer
The Godfather.
Posts: 179
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Jokes
Jun 4, 2006 18:03:25 GMT -5
Post by sabradan on Jun 4, 2006 18:03:25 GMT -5
Whats a pedophile's favorite chord?
A minor!!!!
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Jokes
Jun 4, 2006 19:39:08 GMT -5
Post by dynamo on Jun 4, 2006 19:39:08 GMT -5
Why did Dairy Qween have a baby?
Because Burger King forgot to wrap up his big wopper! ;D
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sabradan
Senior Writer
The Godfather.
Posts: 179
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Jokes
Jun 5, 2006 7:52:49 GMT -5
Post by sabradan on Jun 5, 2006 7:52:49 GMT -5
now you're just getting dirty....
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Elizabeth
Senior Writer
DANCE MONKEY!!!
Posts: 176
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Jokes
Jun 5, 2006 21:32:31 GMT -5
Post by Elizabeth on Jun 5, 2006 21:32:31 GMT -5
Dirty jokes are the ones that are amusing.... DON'T READ LITTLE PEOPLE!
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sabradan
Senior Writer
The Godfather.
Posts: 179
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Jokes
Jun 6, 2006 0:24:44 GMT -5
Post by sabradan on Jun 6, 2006 0:24:44 GMT -5
t was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!" The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?" Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!". The General continued, "You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?" The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train." The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!" ********** A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do ... uh ... we have the camel ready for them.”
The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me”. After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn’t control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”
The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain’s quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.
"So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked. The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town." ***************** For Sale,
Second World War Italian Rifle. Never used,dropped once,footprint on the barrel.
Any reasonable offer considered. *********** Whats the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? A hooker stops screwing you once you're dead.
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sabradan
Senior Writer
The Godfather.
Posts: 179
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Jokes
Jun 6, 2006 0:33:54 GMT -5
Post by sabradan on Jun 6, 2006 0:33:54 GMT -5
and because I love them Jew jokes... Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross.
Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
A priest watches & then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business!" ************* The Israeli Prime Minister is sitting down with Yasser Arafat to try to work out an agreement.
The Prime Minister asks if he might first tell a story. Arafat tells him to go ahead.
"When Moses was in the desert for forty years the Jews got very thirsty and Moses asked the Lord for water and there appeared a beautiful lake. The Jews first drank and then bathed themselves. Moses did the same but when he came out of the water his clothes were gone."
Moses shouted, "Where are my clothes? Who took them??"
The Jews answered, 'The Palestinians took them.'
Arafat quickly objected, "There were no Palestinians at that time!"
The Prime Minister looked at Arafat and said, "Now we can begin to negotiate." ************** A Jewish guy and a Chinese guy were sitting together arguing over whose culture was older. The Chinese guy says "We Chinese have been around for 4000 years!" The Jewish guy goes "Bah, thats nothing. We've been around for 5000 years!" The Chinese replies "Moishe, stop lying to me. What did you people eat for the first thousand years?"
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backgroundbob
Senior Writer
A befitting emblem of adversity
Posts: 188
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Jokes
Jun 6, 2006 3:53:17 GMT -5
Post by backgroundbob on Jun 6, 2006 3:53:17 GMT -5
The Arafat joke is probably the best political one I've heard in a long time.
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Joeducktape
Novelist
Hehehehehehe... MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Posts: 307
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Jokes
Jun 6, 2006 15:01:39 GMT -5
Post by Joeducktape on Jun 6, 2006 15:01:39 GMT -5
Hehe.
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